Dora's Christmas Carol Adventure
(After a Christmassy version of the G-man title on a snowy backdrop with jingle bells being heard in the background, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room wearing a Santa hat) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Well, it’s the 25th of December, and you know what that means! Merry Christmas! And since it’s the season to celebrate, we’ve got a Christmas movie titled Dora’s Christmas Carol Adventure! (The main theme from the original show starts as clips of the film begin to play) G-man (V.O): Dora the Explorer is about a young girl named Dora, her monkey Boots, and the adventures they go on. Some people think it’s as annoying as Caillou, but I think the show is timeless! And the Christmas special is no different! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, let’s not beat around the bush! This is Dora’s Christmas Carol Adventure! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): After this well-made opening sequence, we head to the North Pole where Santa is waiting. Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Bienvenidos, amigos! It’s good to see you! Do you know who I am? (Cut back to the G-man with Tattletail on his desk) G-man: Come on, is this a trick question? You’re the version of Santa Claus Donald Trump hates! (There’s a brief moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) What? I can’t make a political joke? Tattletail: Not a good one. (The G-man angrily slaps Tattletail off of his desk before we cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): I also love this elf next to him that’s waiting as to what our answer is. He’s like: (In high-pithed voice imitating the elf) C’mon, man! If you can survive the three trials, you can answer this question! (In normal voice) We then head to Dora and her friends having a Christmas party. Simultaneously worrying about Swiper getting on the naughty list. Dora: Well, maybe this year, he’ll listen to Santa. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Dora, asking Swiper to stop stealing shit is like asking Peppa’s brother George to stop being whiny. It’s impossible! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Anyway, despite the many warnings from Santa, Swiper appears to fuck some shit up. He attempts to steal the star from atop the Christmas tree, but fails. After that, Santa comes in and tells him that he, big shocker, has been put on the naughty list. Swiper: I’m on the naughty list? Aw man! Isa: Well, he WAS given lots of chances. Benny: He really shouldn’t have swiped on Christmas! Dora: No, guys! We can’t let this happen! I’m going to try to do something! G-man (V.O): Actually Dora, your friends are kinda right. He didn’t listen to the big man, and he got on the naughty list. Plain and simple. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Feel free to disagree with me, but I think he deserved it. (The sound of an audience booing is heard as multiple crumbled-up pieces of paper gets thrown at him) Ah! Ow! Jesus Christ! I take it back, just stop! (The papers and booing stop) Why do I say these kind of things out loud? (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Luckily, there IS a way to get Swiper back on the nice list. He has to go back in time and fix his wrongdoings. As he does so, he’ll earn an ornament on some magic card. But does that mean we’re going to past episodes? Well, not really. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Come on, Nick Jr! You had the perfect opportunity to cause a paradox, and you blew it! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): But just how are we going to go through time? Well, get this: Santa: Oh, there’s someone who will help. Someone who’ll assist. Someone who will help you get off of the list. He’ll send you through time because time travel’s bumpy. He’s a troll, and I’ve often heard that he’s grumpy. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s right! The Grumpy Old Troll knows how to travel through time! (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) You know what? I don’t think I can do this alone! I’m calling a friend. (The G-man pulls out his iPhone and dials an anonymous number. Cut to the FanFic Critic saying her opening lines. During their conversation, it cuts between them) FFC: Hello, I’m the FanFic Critic. I read it, you listen. For Christmas this year, we’ve got a fanfic titled- (She is interrupted by her phone ringing. Sighing, she picks it up) Hello? G-man (Enthusiastically): Guess who? FFC: Oh God… You’re not reviewing another Barney movie, are you? G-man: What? No, I’m reviewing Dora’s Christmas Carol Adventure! FFC: Okay… And you need my help? What could possibly happen that-? G-man: Dora and Swiper have to travel through time with the help of the Grumpy Old Troll. FFC: Wow, I guess you really do need my help! (She hangs up) Let’s get this over with. (Cut back to the film) FFC (V.O): After a song number, we reach the Troll’s bridge where he gives us three riddles before we can access time travel. Troll: Riddle number one: This reindeer can be seen wherever he goes. He can light up the sky with his shiny, red nose. What’s his name? (Cut back to the G-man slamming his desk as if a buzzer was there) G-man: Who is Mr. Conway Twitty? (A buzzer sound is heard) Damnit! (Cut back to the film) Troll: Riddle number two: He’s got a button nose and coal for each eye. He’s a snowman, can you guess the name of this guy? (Cut back to the G-man doing the same thing from before) G-man: Who is Jack Frost? (The buzzer sound is heard again) Crap! Alright, one more chance. Let’s hear it! (Cut back to the film) Troll: Riddle number three: He’s got a white beard and rides on a sleigh. He says “Ho! Ho! Ho!” delivering gifts Christmas Day. Who is it? (Cut back to the G-man who is about to slam his desk again, but the FFC does it to her’s first) FFC: Who is Santa Claus? Administrator from Team Fortress 2 (V.O): Victory! (The theme from the Price is Right plays as the FFC starts dancing in place. Cut back to the G-man looking unamused) G-man: I hate Jeopardy… (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Anyway, the Troll gives us some magic capes… (Cut back to the G-man briefly) Don’t question it. (Cut back to the film) And we get sent back in time. FFC (V.O): After another annoying song, we meet the other characters when they were babies. (Baby Swiper steals the other babies’ gifts) Oh no… (Cut back to the FFC) FFC: I’ll kick his ass for you, just please don’t-! (Cut back to the film. The babies start crying. Cut between the G-man and the FFC covering their ears. Eventually, we cut back to the film) Swiper: Dora, we’ve gotta make them feel better! No one should cry on Christmas! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Damn straight! Especially a certain whiny, bald brat! (Cut to a picture of Matthew Santoro for a brief moment. Cut back to the G-man looking confused) What the hell? Why did you cut to that? (Whispering can be heard as the G-man looks to his right) What do you mean I already mentioned Caillou?! Alright, play the scene again. I’ve got something different. (The scene plays again) Swiper: Dora, we’ve gotta make them feel better! No one should cry on Christmas! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Damn straight! Especially a certain whiny, young pig! (Cut to a picture of Wilbert from Charlotte’s Web for a brief moment. Cut back to the G-man looking confused again) Seriously? I used a Peppa Pig joke, too? Alright, one more time. Swiper: Dora, we’ve gotta make them feel better! No one should cry on Christmas! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Damn straight! Especially a… (He shrugs) Smoking, muscled ice cream cone shooting guns, and eye lasers. Ha! Top that, FanFic Critic! FFC: Alright, I will. Play it again! (The scene plays one more time) Swiper: Dora, we’ve gotta make them feel better! No one should cry on Christmas! (Cut back to the FFC) FFC: Damn straight! Especially a certain annoying, yellow sponge! G-man (As he’s slapping his desk in frustration): Damnit! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): After we cheer the babies up, Swiper gets another ornament on his card. After that, it’s on to the next stop. Dora: Look! We’re not babies anymore! We’re little kids! G-man (V.O sarcastically): Wow! Great observation! (In normal tone) After younger Swiper sings some song we shouldn’t care about, he steals all the other toys. FFC (V.O): For fucks sake… We’re not gonna hear crying again, are we? G-man (V.O): No, but there’s a bigger question that needs to be answered: Where the hell was Dora in the previous time period?! She’s here in this one, but what about the last one? Is there some sort of conspiracy theory we don’t know about? (Cut back to the FFC) FFC: Are you seriously a conspiracy theorist? (When we cut back to the G-man, he has on a tin foil hat instead of his Santa hat) G-man: Noooo… (Cut back to the film) FFC (V.O): When we give them the toys back, it’s on to the future where we meet Dora when she’s an adult. Here, she’s looking at a blank Christmas tree. Dora: You know what I think? Swiper: What, Dora? Dora: I think that in the future, there’s no Christmas party! (Cut back to the G-man who is wearing his Santa hat again) G-man: And who is to blame for that? (Cut to a still-frame of Young Swiper the caption "This dumbass" overlapping him. Cut back to the film with the original audio) Young Dora: Um, this is hard to explain… Young Swiper: She’s you when you were younger! (Cut back to the FFC) FFC (Sarcastically): Yeah, any of this won’t cause a paradox or a shift in time! (Cut back to the film) Old Dora: Swiper, there’s nothing left for you to swipe here! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Damn, she’s pissed! And who is to blame for that? (Cut back to the captioned still-frame of Young Swiper. Cut back to the film with the original audio) FFC (V.O in normal tone): Old Swiper comes out and steals Young Swiper’s time travel cape. Even after he said “Swiper, no swiping!”. That’s when we learn what happened after Swiper got on the naughty list. Get your popcorn ready, because this is intense! Old Dora: That’s because in the future, you don’t listen! Young Dora and Swiper: Huh? Old Dora: After you got on the naughty list, you wouldn’t stop swiping no matter what! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And who is to-? FFC: Shut the fuck up! G-man: Okay, damn! Red Zone! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Luckily, the future versions of Dora’s friends come to help out. (Future Boots appears. He has on clothes as apposed to his usual attire) Okay, what? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, rule number one of making stuff like this: Just because they have on different clothes and a slightly deeper voice, that doesn’t make him older. In fact, he looks to be around the same exact height! FFC: That’s because puberty hasn’t hit him like a tidal wave yet. (Cut back to the film) Young Swiper: Wow! You really will help me? (Cut back to the G-man holding up his Lego Gun) G-man: Psyche! This is a motherfucking robbery! Karma, bitch! (Cut back to the film) Old Boots: But how will we find him? FFC (V.O sarcastically): Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the thing that you use in almost every episode? Oh yeah, THE DAMN MAP! G-man (V.O): After yet another song, we learn that future Swiper is hiding out at some sort of castle. My guess is that he mugged Skeletor that same day. And we have to follow a trail of wrapping paper. Yeah, I don’t see anything that could go wrong here. (Cut back to the FFC) FFC (In normal tone): Hey, look! There it is! (The sound of wind blowing is heard as the FFC looks to her right) And there it goes… (Cut back to the film) Young Dora: Where does Old Swiper live? G-man (V.O): Another thing I like about Dora is the awkward pauses while the audience answers her questions. I mean, you could say anything, and they would react to it like it’s the correct answer. Young Dora: Where does Old Swiper live? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Yo mama’s house! (A laugh track is heard) Thank you! Thank you! I do my best! Stick around for more! (Cut back to the film) Young Dora: Boy, there sure is a lot of litter here! Old Dora: Yeah, Old Swiper litters everywhere he goes! Especially on Christmas. Old Boots: Yeah, he unwraps the Christmas presents and throws the wrappers on the ground! Young Swiper: Whoa! I don’t want to be a litterer! I want to clean up! (Cut back to the FFC) FFC: Alright, you can start with that piece of trash over there. (Cut to a clip from Stephen King’s IT) Pennywise: Do you have Prince Albert in a Can? You do? Well, you better let the poor guy out! (He laughs a bit before we cut back to the film) Young Dora: I know a song in Spanish that can help us clean up. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And it goes a little something like this: (He clears his throat and starts singing) Despaci- FFC (Interrupting): No! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O talking): After a clean-up song that doesn’t have shit to do with the original, we finally get to Old Swiper’s castle. Now, get your tissues ready, because this next part is depressing as hell! Young Swiper: Wow! I look so lonely! I’m surrounded by all those presents, but I look so sad! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Jesus! Who the hell came up with this? (He looks around a bit) One more? FFC (Sighing): One more. G-man: And who is to blame for that? (Cut back to the captioned still-frame of Young Swiper. Cut back to the film with the original audio) Old Swiper: Christmas. Bah humbug! (He falls asleep) Old Dora: He’s asleep! (The text "No shit!" pops up for a brief moment) Young Dora: We’ve got to find the travel cape, or we’ll never get Swiper home! FFC (V.O): After some pointless bullshit, we finally get Young Swiper’s cape back and he gets the fourth ornament on his card. But not after this shit that I swear was added in just to make kids cry: Young Swiper: Gee, I don’t want to end up like him! All alone on Christmas with no friends! (Cut back to the FFC) FFC: You hear that, kids? If you’re naughty, everyone will betray you! G-man: …There’s something seriously wrong with you, isn’t there? (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): The two return to their normal time period, but Swiper is still on the naughty list. And this is when we get the biggest fist-to-the-face ending ever: They all share their presents with Swiper, he gives Dora his stuffed bunny from his childhood, and that’s what gets him back on the nice list. FFC (V.O): Really? THAT’S all it took?! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: This is a bigger letdown than the ending to Super Mario Bros. 2! FFC: Now there’s something we can both agree on! (Cut back to the film) Dora: We all want to share, because we care about you, Swiper! FFC (V.O sarcastically): Yes, they care about him even though he steals everyone’s shit! That’s what Christmas is really about! (In normal tone) Anyway, we have our usual outro song, and that’s the end! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And that was Dora’s Christmas Carol Adventure! And boy, did I-! (There’s a knock at his bedroom door) Who is it? (The door opens to reveal Pinkie Pie. After the door is fully open, she lunges onto the G-man. The latter of which screaming as he falls out his chair) FFC: What the hell?! G-man: P-Pinkie? Pinkie: G-man! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! FFC: Uh, hello? The FanFic Critic has a question! (The two get back up) G-man: Oh, right. You two haven’t met yet… Pinkie: Met who? (She notices the camera) Oh! Hi there, I’m Pinkie Pie! FFC: Yeah, I kind of figured that. What the hell are you even doing there?! G-man: Y’know, I think it’s best not to ask. FFC: Why the-? (Cut to static, and then back to the duo with the G-man holding a remote control) G-man: That’s enough of that shit. (To Pinkie) So, what’s up? Pinkie: You may think this is just silly, but I totally forgot to give you your Hearth’s Warming present! G-man (Under his breath): Hearth’s Warm-? (Out loud) Oh, Christmas? Pinkie: Right, right, right! Here! (She reaches off-camera and pulls out a nicely-wrapped gift. Sighing, the G-man sits down on the floor with Pinkie as the former unwarps it. It’s then revealed to be…) G-man: Dream Sleuth by Nevosoft? Pinkie: Yeah, sorry I couldn’t get anything more exciting. I just thought it’d be something nice to review! G-man: Oh! Well, thanks! (He sets it down and talks to the camera) Well, I am the G-man… Pinkie: And I’m Pinkie Pie! (Along with the G-man) And that’s all you need to know about that! G-man (Solo): Once again, Merry Christmas from everyone here on the G-man Wiki, and we’ll see you in 2019! (Along with Pinkie) Peace! (They wave, but then we cut back to the FFC looking unamused) FFC: Once again, I’m left with no answers! (She sighs) Now, how should I exact my revenge… (After thinking for a while, she gets an evil grin on her face) I’ve got it! (She laughs evilly as we fade to black, and then white text fades in) Text: To be continued? Category:Episode